2 blog posts in one week!!! I'm on a roll!
I asked in an Instagram story for some suggestions on what topics I should write on over the next couple of weeks, and there were some great suggestions (make sure you check my blog regularly to see what I'll be writing). By far my favourite suggestion was talking about body positivity, following on from my previous blog post about being bigger than my boyfriend.
Body positivity and self-love are so important and very easy to preach, but it can be difficult to put into practise - especially when you don't fall into what the media deems conventionally beautiful. I'm currently the biggest I've ever been, and although I'm trying to get to grips with the idea of loving myself regardless of my size, I still have the fair few meltdowns.
A large part of me wants to drop about 10 dress sizes: I hate feeling like restricted when clothes shopping, I hate going to places where I know I haven't seen people since I was smaller, for fear of silent judgement of how I've let myself go. I've convinced myself that my double chin is the most horrendous thing I've ever seen, and that I don't care about my body as long as I have a skinny face. I used to be terrified to eat in front of strangers, again scared of judgement for being a big girl who enjoys food. I went to a wedding yesterday with my boyfriend and spent a good 20 mins having a tantrum just because I didn't feel pretty in my body or size – and yet, I scroll through Instagram fangirling women my size and bigger - the features I admire and actively envy on other people, I criticise and punish myself for having.
For me, this shows that my mindset is toxic: my body isn't the problem, it's my perspective on it. I wish I could look at myself the same way I do Instagram plus-size role models – it's so much easier said than done, BUT this needs to change. If I think big tummies are cute on other people, why do I hate mine? Why are the same characteristics ugly on my body, but beautiful on others?
I know this is such a common mindset these days, but we need to start cutting ourselves some slack - as well as taking time out of our day to stop and challenge the negative thoughts.
At the end of the day, it is so easy to sit and criticise, berate and pick out everything we hate about ourselves – if we could only compliment ourselves just as easily. So that’s my new mindset: although I do want to be more active and increase my fitness, I’m not a villain for being a big girl. My body is big, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad.
The next time I find myself staring in the mirror, rehearsing in my head all my countless faults, I will challenge it. My body may not look like other peoples, but it’s special because it’s mine – you only get one, so why not celebrate it instead of chastising? Celebrities and the majority of society are constantly pushing the message that it’s disgusting to put on weight – If I could stress anything in this blog post it would be that your body is what you perceive it to be. Instead of listening to the constant fat-shaming propaganda, please place worth on your own body.
Thank you for reading - don't forget to praise yourself and your body! We all have insecurities, but it's important to practise self-love in accepting these 'faults', and loving your body regardless. Despite size, colour, shape, you're a bad bitch if you believe it x
It's been a really long time since I've written a blog post or focused on Instagram (about a month) - I had to take some time out to focus on work and university, hoping I could come back to this as a refreshed, glowing woman. Unfortunately I've now finished my work and I've submitted my dissertation, and I still do not feel any better.
I genuinely thought that once I had completed my deadlines and made it to the end of the semester there would be a noticeable weight off my shoulders, but if anything it feels the weight has doubled. Last night, I submitted the electronic copy of my dissertation and was absolutely buzzing and then all of a sudden I was just crying in my room (lol shock). Instead of relief, I was panicking that I had done however many thousands words of absolute shite, that my tutor would hate it, that I had accidentally hidden some sort of offensive terminology, etc etc. Although it's normal to stress about big projects and important tasks, for me the nerves and worry always seem to accompanied by negative thoughts in my head.
Example: I had the most amazing birthday, was absolutely spoiled by my family and friends and yet there will still be a paranoid voice in my head telling me that I'm hated, that I need to be careful with who I trust, that I don't have anyone that cares: honestly it's so damaging to self-esteem and confidence.
Unfortunately it's a common part of anxiety; many people associate anxiety purely with panic attacks and increased heart rate, but it also brings along a horrible little voice in your head, sleepless nights from overthinking, a feeling that nobody understands how you feel and more importantly that no one cares. Since my mental health has become such a big problem, I genuinely dread facing university because I know that it brings out these feelings more than ever - it's a pretty shit feeling because I don't feel like the same person I was a few years ago.
I'm not writing this blog post to be like booooo poor me, but sometimes it's just therapeutic to write about your feelings - also hopefully help people understand that anxiety isn't just feeling a bit nervous, it can feel so overwhelming and hard to shake. I'm lucky in that I know home is a safe place for me, and always helps when I'm going through a low period - but it's important to also try to cope with the triggers and environments that contribute to negative feelings.
Thankfully, my best pals bought me some burning sage and when I go back to uni tomorrow I will be getting the bad juju the fuck out of my room, so that's nice x
Hopefully this blog post has helped anyone who's reading understanding anxiety a little bit more - and if you know someone who might be struggling, it might be worth reaching out (and maybe getting some sage to cleanse their bad space)
Thank you for reading!