It's been a really long time since I've written a blog post or focused on Instagram (about a month) - I had to take some time out to focus on work and university, hoping I could come back to this as a refreshed, glowing woman. Unfortunately I've now finished my work and I've submitted my dissertation, and I still do not feel any better.
I genuinely thought that once I had completed my deadlines and made it to the end of the semester there would be a noticeable weight off my shoulders, but if anything it feels the weight has doubled. Last night, I submitted the electronic copy of my dissertation and was absolutely buzzing and then all of a sudden I was just crying in my room (lol shock). Instead of relief, I was panicking that I had done however many thousands words of absolute shite, that my tutor would hate it, that I had accidentally hidden some sort of offensive terminology, etc etc. Although it's normal to stress about big projects and important tasks, for me the nerves and worry always seem to accompanied by negative thoughts in my head.
Example: I had the most amazing birthday, was absolutely spoiled by my family and friends and yet there will still be a paranoid voice in my head telling me that I'm hated, that I need to be careful with who I trust, that I don't have anyone that cares: honestly it's so damaging to self-esteem and confidence.
Unfortunately it's a common part of anxiety; many people associate anxiety purely with panic attacks and increased heart rate, but it also brings along a horrible little voice in your head, sleepless nights from overthinking, a feeling that nobody understands how you feel and more importantly that no one cares. Since my mental health has become such a big problem, I genuinely dread facing university because I know that it brings out these feelings more than ever - it's a pretty shit feeling because I don't feel like the same person I was a few years ago.
I'm not writing this blog post to be like booooo poor me, but sometimes it's just therapeutic to write about your feelings - also hopefully help people understand that anxiety isn't just feeling a bit nervous, it can feel so overwhelming and hard to shake. I'm lucky in that I know home is a safe place for me, and always helps when I'm going through a low period - but it's important to also try to cope with the triggers and environments that contribute to negative feelings.
Thankfully, my best pals bought me some burning sage and when I go back to uni tomorrow I will be getting the bad juju the fuck out of my room, so that's nice x
Hopefully this blog post has helped anyone who's reading understanding anxiety a little bit more - and if you know someone who might be struggling, it might be worth reaching out (and maybe getting some sage to cleanse their bad space)
Thank you for reading!